


Her Eyes

by aperrywilliams



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:02:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24508855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aperrywilliams/pseuds/aperrywilliams
Summary: Spencer talk about things of his life with Reader
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Kudos: 11





	Her Eyes

It was not uncommon for me to wake up in the middle of the night because a nightmare was plaguing my mind. Given all the things had happened in my life, I was used to it. Sometimes I even missed them. But when I met (Y/N) nightmares stopped. Just like time stopped too. Things began to move in slow motion. Seeing her walk down the hallways of the BAU was perhaps one of my favorite things every morning. I made sure to get there early everyday so I could watch her get out of the elevator, walk through the glass doors, and watch how she sit next her desk. At first, of course, she didn’t know about my existence, but when she was transferred to work in our team, I had the opportunity to speak to her for the first time.

It took me eight months to ask her for a coffee date. Another six months to ask her to be my girlfriend. Finally one more year to ask her to marry me. Although the last statement is not completely true, I must be honest, it was she who ‘suggested’ we could get married. I only bought the ring and chose the moment to pop the question.

Our wedding was demure, only our family and closest friends. Neither (Y/N) nor I like swanky things, despite Rossi’s insistence on having a big event. The memories of that day are projected in my brain as if I lived them over and over again. She in her beautiful dress, smiling me and walking to me in the aisle. That smile. God… I can see it in this minute. The same smile was on her face when she showed me the pregnancy test one night when I came late from work. We both cry. We had been trying to get her pregnant for months. We wanted so badly to have a child. When she told me, I couldn’t hide my bliss. I think I’ve rarely screamed in my life: that was one of these times. I lifted her off the floor with a hug could have lasted an eternity. When we told the team, the hugs and congratulations continued. They were almost as happy as us. Although we knew this meant a change in our lives and at work, because (Y/N) could not be able to stay in the field anymore and would leave the BAU for a while. Time enough to our child would grow up a little.

The months of waiting were like that… a wait. A beautiful wait. Every morning when I woke up I had the routine of giving two kisses: one on the lips of my beautiful wife and the other on her growing belly. I tried to live the pregnancy phase as intensely as I could at her side. Of course work continued also my trips, but we arranged in to be able to enjoy of every moment of the process.

“Do you want to know the gender of your baby or will you wait until the birth?” the doctor asked us when she scanned (Y/N)’s belly on one of the ultrasound appointment. We had both discussed whether we wanted to know or be surprised. Curiosity was stronger in both of us.

“Yes, we want to know” (Y/N) said enthusiastically.

“It’s a girl”. I couldn’t contain my tears of emotion. A girl. And although I couldn’t say why, I secretly hoped my baby would be a girl.

“She’ll be daddy’s little girl” assured (Y/N) staring at me and laughing.

When we painted the nursery we didn’t want to do something very extravagant. Our main idea was to get a calm and well decorated place to have everything we could need. We chose light tones and some children’s figures to try to give our daughter a special space. Our daughter, to whom we still could not choose a name. Of the few discussions I had with (Y/N), this one was the most difficult. We both had many ideas but could not agree on any.

“Spencer, you can’t give our little girl this name… she will hate us forever” (Y/N) said shaking her head in rejection.

“But my love, it’s a beautiful name. I wouldn’t like our little girl to have a traditional name. She’ll be more than a traditional baby”. I argued.

“Babe, I know. But let’s just try not to be so inventive… let’s do it for her, ok?”. She insisted again, trying to make me see reasons.

Finally we reached an agreement that made us both happy. We hoped she would like it, too, and not hate us as she grow up. When we told about it on the baby shower, everyone was happy with our decision. That day was unforgettable. Our families and friends reunited for our little girl. Our little girl. Oh God, that sounds so good. She must have felt all that love, I’m sure she did because that day she kicked (Y/N)’s belly like never before. At the end of the day, lying on the couch in our apartment with (Y/N) we were exhausted, but happy with all the love we had received. We don’t feel anything but lucky thanks the people rounded us. Even today I cannot be more grateful. That night we talked a lot about what our new life would be like with our daughter. We talked and tried to imagine what she would be like, her features, her character.

"She sure will have your nose”. (Y/N) told me.

“Why do you say that?” I said laughing.

“Because your nose is beautiful and I love it, therefore, it is fair our daughter inherit it” said (Y/N) convinced.

“Ok… Well I think she’ll have your eyes” I declared almost solemnly.

“Why my eyes?”. (Y/N) asked me curiously.

“Because your eyes reflect all the love that one can feel for another human being. Because your eyes are kind, full of life. Because your eyes are what light up my life and I can bet her eyes will light up our lives much more" I said almost without blinking and barely breathing. I noticed how some tears rolled down her cheeks.

“Wow… you’ve never said something like that… and it’s true you have said very nice things to me Dr. Reid” she said smiling. That night I showed (Y/N) how much I love her, and not just with words.

The following weeks were rough. (Y/N) was in her last phase of pregnancy and looked more tired. I don’t blame her, our little girl was not making life easier for her. Also, I was away more days than I would have liked. I tried anyway her not to be alone. Her mom and sister were close to her the days I couldn’t be. When I came home one of those days, I noticed her relieved face when he saw me.

“It’s nice you’ve showed up tonight. I already believed I was going to give birth without you” she said to me in a tired voice and sitting on the couch fighting for a comfortable posture.

“What?, now?…” I asked stunned. She started to laugh, but had to stop because was a lot of additional exhaustion for her body.

“No, not now. But believe me, this afternoon I thought it would happen…” she said with a grimace.

"Ok. I think the trips are over for now”. I stated as I called Emily to request prenatal leave. Birth could happen at any minute.

Those days I was home with (Y/N) and I tried to make up for all my absences, for every day she had to take care of our daughter in her womb and of herself without me being present. I was the first to wake up that days. I made breakfast. I bought groceries. We cook together. I spent whole afternoons reading books to both of them. Without a doubt, that was my favorite panorama. I know (Y/N) also enjoyed it, we always did that on the days we had off.

It was early morning. I felt (Y/N) moving in bed. I could tell she was uncomfortable. My sense of alert flared and I sat up in bed. I saw pain on her face. I asked her what was going on. She told me it seemed like it was time, birth could occur in any minute. After being paralyzed for a second. I got up quickly and got dressed. I helped (Y/N) dress lightly and wrapped her in a blanket. I took the bag we had prepared from days before. And we left for the hospital.

I could tell (Y/N) was in pain. She was looking at me trying to regulate the breathing. I told her we were close, to hold on a little longer. It broke my heart to see her like this. At that moment I would have given everything to be the one who was feeling pain and not her. Our daughter was about to come into this world and she was wreaking havoc on her mother. It caused a big contradiction in my head.

We arrived at the hospital and they quickly set (Y/N) in a stretcher. They had her medical records and knew she was in her 37th week of pregnancy. Nurses began preparing her for birth. I also prepared myself. I remember calling (Y/N)’s sister and J.J. asking them for to let know it the rest of our families and friends. Nurses told me to wait outside a room while they prepared (Y/N).

Time seemed like an eternity. I began to pace a little uneasily, until after 37 minutes and almost 40 seconds, a nurse left the room. I hastened to speak to her.

"Can I come in now?” I asked anxiously.

“Mr. Reid. You cannot come in for now. We’ll have to do an emergency c-section to your wife. For some reason we don’t yet know why she is bleeding a lot and we have to confirm she and baby are doing ok…”. At some point I had stopped listening to what the nurse was saying to me. I wasn’t even able to correct the fact she said Sr. Reid instead of Dr. Reid. This was not how it was supposed to be.

"But they… are they okay?” I asked with more fear.

“We are monitoring their condition all the time. Now we’ll take her to the operating room. Please, I’m going to ask you to wait in the other room until we have news”. Without saying a word, I nodded. I took off my operating room clothes and sat in the waiting room. To wait. Just to wait.

I had forgotten for a second I had called (Y/N)’s sister. She appeared next to her mom. Then J.J. came with Emily. Their faces were excited and anxious. But their changed quickly when they saw me sitting in the waiting room.

"Spencer? … why aren’t you with (Y/N)?” his sister asked me. I could only look at Emily and J.J. who immediately suspected something was not going as expected.

“They are doing a c-section now… she won’t have a natural birth”. I said trying not to alarm anyone. Trying to convince myself it was a matter of time to see my both beloved girls. I don’t know if my explanation made them be quieter, but at least they didn’t ask me any more questions. They sat next to me same as J.J. and Emily, who made some calls. I figured the rest of the team were on their way.

The minutes became hours. Exactly 2 hours and 12 minutes. A doctor came out of the hallway of one of the operating rooms and approached where we were.

“(Y/N) Reid’s family?” He asked. I got up immediately.

“I’m her husband…” I said with a tremble voice.

“Mr. Reid… I know your wife came here with a full term pregnancy and it was expected to be a natural birth. Unfortunately, after the water broke, an unexpected infection caused a lot of bleed, which was a risk for the baby. After a c-section we managed to get your daughter born and she is in perfect condition…”. My daughter was ok. My daughter was born. A sigh left my body.

"And how is my wife? Can I see her?…” I asked quickly. The doctor’s face suddenly darkened.

“Your wife is fighting right now. Her body has not reacted so well to the medications and although we managed to stop the bleeding her levels have not rebounded in the last hour. Believe me, we are doing everything we can to make her body react to treatment…”. In the distance I felt how (Y/N)’s mother vanish while Luke tried to hold her. (Y/N)’s sister began to cry and J.J. sought to hug her. I just felt Emily’s hand on my shoulder. I couldn’t react. Fighting?, but if everything was just fine. Our daughter was born. She also had to be fine too.

"Is she… conscious…? Can I see her…?” I asked automatically.

“Yes. You can see her. You can see your daughter too”. I nodded. The first stop was in the room where my little girl was wrapped and surrounded by nurses who monitored her condition. With a bit fear I approached her. My hands were shaking. My heart was pounding. When my eyes saw that small lump moving restlessly my heart swelled and I felt an uncontrollable urge to hold her and try to calm her down. One of the nurses took and handed her to me to hold my baby in my arms. With a smile and all the tenderness the universe could provide I began to speak to try to calm her down.

“Hey, my little girl. It’s me, your daddy. Sure you’ve heard me before. Yes, I’m the moron who has bored you for months reading stories to you. That´s right my little girl. You are everything your mom and I had been waiting for… for so long. You are so perfect my little girl…”. As I spoke to her, she calmed down. She was no longer moving uncomfortably. For a few seconds she opened her tiny eyes and I swear I saw (Y/N) eyes in them, a fraction of them at least.

With tears in my eyes I was only able to return a smile. Fool of me, surely she couldn’t see that. I knew I have to do next. Very gently I put my daughter in the hospital crib and went to see (Y/N).

I watched in horror as she lay in the hospital bed connected to tubes and machines. I slowly approached and held her hand, the one without the needles stuck in it. She was conscious and turned her head to see me.

"Hey …” I said trying to smile. She smiled back at me. Even in that condition she kept giving me a smile. She wanted to speak, I tried not to. "No my love, don’t speak. You just have to keep fighting, ok?“. As expected, she paid little attention to me.

"Did you see our girl? How is she?”. She asked me and squeezed my hand.

“Yes, I did. She is doing great. She is so beautiful…” I said, unable to stop the tears from coming out.

"Isn’t she?… I knew she would have your nose” she said trying to joke. That also made me laugh.

“And she has your eyes…” I added, remembering our conversation from weeks before.

“Spencer… you can’t know… she’s… she’s very tiny yet…” she tried to refute.

“I’m positive. She opened her eyes being in my arms. They are a little piece of yours. I swear”. Tears began to flow from her eyes.

“I’m sorry…” she murmured.

“No my love, don’t say that. You don’t have to think about it. You just have to recover… we have to go home with our little girl…”. I said trying to cheer her up. And cheer me up. Looking for hope, trying to believe that everything would be fine.

"It’s what I want most in this world…" she said in a whisper.

"See?… then you must go on my love. I’m here by your side… ”

"Spencer… I’m scared…” she said in an almost inaudible voice. It was true. I could feel it.

“I know. So I’m here with you…”. A little silence filled the room.

"Please… tell her how we met. Tell her how much we love each other…” she said as tears ran down her eyes. I couldn’t bear to see her like this. Not like this.

"You can do it yourself my love… I don’t have to do it…” . I don’t know how it was possible to say words with my broken voice. But they came out. They came out.

“Tell her mommy will love her forever, even if mommy is not here… I’ll make sure to take care of both of you…”

“No… no… don’t…”. I started shaking my head looking at the ground. No, this was not happening.

“Spencer… look at me”. I knew I had to, but I knew what it meant. “You’ll be an exceptional father. I have no doubt about it. Please be happy. Help our little girl to fulfill her dreams. And you too, my love, try to find yours…” she said in an increasingly tired voice.

"But I already have mine… with you…”. I tried to refute her, praying it could make her return to me. To get her back in this world with me.

“Sometimes plans have to change…" she said with a shy smile.

"Not these, my love… I don’t want to change these…” I kept trying to 'reason’ when it wasn’t with her I had to negotiate.

“I love you. I’ve always loved you. That’ll never change…” she said to me as more tears ran down her cheeks.

"I love you too. I love you more than anything in this life… please don’t leave me…stay with me…”. My voice was a prayer. A useless prayer.

"Don’t lie… now you have another woman in your life. You’ll love her as much as me…” she said, giving me her last smile.

When I left the room I could only hear in my head the beep sound of the machine warning her life had gone out. I was devastated. I don’t know how I was able to get to the waiting room where everyone was. I also don’t remember how I almost fell to the ground. My legs failed me. In the distance I felt tears, hugs of condolence, words of reassurance. When I became aware of what was happening, next to me was Emily and David. Silent. That awkward but necessary silence. They did not know what to tell me. I also didn’t know what to say to them.

Negation? Yes, it was 5 days and 14 hours I locked myself in my apartment after the (Y/N) funerals. It was 5 days and 14 hours where I sank into my pain. Neither the screams of (Y/N)’s sister blaming me for what had happened, nor the words of J.J. through the door, nor the baskets of Penelope, nor the calls of Emily or David managed to get me out of the inertia of those 5 days and 14 hours. I was also unable to see my daughter. Already discharged from the hospital, (Y/N)’s mother took her to their home. I had lost everything, did anything else matter? No, not to me. Nothing. Never. Again.

I have some gaps. Of the hours I spent drunk sitting hitting my head against the wall. The rest of my memories: crying and screaming. I didn’t even go to the shower those days . I hardly entered the bedroom. Everything reminded me of (Y/N). Her scent was there. Her clothes were there. Our pictures. Our books. And a deafening silence.

After those 5 days and 14 hours, I was sitting on the floor watching the clock’s second on the wall move forward, until I heard a cry on the other side of the door. My sense of alert returned from one moment to the next. I got up from the floor and opened the door. I looked down and there was a baby chair with a crying baby girl. My little girl. There was no one else with her. I glanced both ways down the hall. There was neither her aunt nor her grandmother. On her blanket was a handwritten note: "Daddy, I need you”. I froze. My daughter asked me for help. Not knowing much what to do, I just managed to picked the chair with my daughter inside. I left it on the dining table watching how she cried. I remembered the first and only time I had held her in my arms. I tried to replicate the same. With trembling hands I pulled her out of the chair and started pacing around the living room trying to calm her with the movement. Partly it worked, then she started crying again.

I took the phone. I called (Y/N) ’s mom. She didn’t answer. I called (Y/N)’s sister. She didn’t answer me either. I called J.J. who didn’t answer me either. Not even Emily. Not even David. It was just her and me… and (Y/N) who started talking to me in my head. Telling me she trusted me, telling me I would be a good father, that I would do everything necessary for the well-being of our daughter. And I had already failed miserably . It had been 5 days and 14 hours failing her.

My head started going through all the books I had read about babies, all the podcast I had seen online, all the conversations with (Y/N) about what would be best for our daughter. Instinctively I took her to the room we had arranged with (Y/N) for her before her arrival. I checked the drawers and started checking her clothes. I pulled out a pair of diapers. Yes, her scent was evidence she needed a diaper change. When I finished it, I searched through the things on the baby chair where she was when I found her and there was a bottle of warm milk. While I was walking with her in my arms I gave her the bottle which she drank with great need.

Even stunned by the situation, I didn’t know much more to do than walk with her in my arms, as I watched her fall asleep. And that’s how I understood it. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what to do. It only took 5 days and 16 hours now for me.

While watching my little girl sleeping, my cell phone began to vibrate. It was J.J. who was calling. I left the room to answer in the hallway to avoid waking my daughter.

“How are you doing?" she asked.

"Did you know about this?" I asked . Although it was evident she knew what was happening.

"Yes, we thought it was time to bring you back. She needs you” J.J. said to me with a soft and motherly voice.

"J.J. … I don’t know if I’ll be able… I can’t do it without (Y/N)…” I answered almost crying.

“I’m sure she would not agree. And I’m sure she told you too”

“Yes. Told me. But I’m not ready…”. I said even with my broken voice.

"Spencer, nobody is. And it would happen with (Y/N) or without (Y/N) here…”. Yes, surely she was right.

"How do I start?…”. That was a question for myself rather than J.J., however she answered anyway.

“We are going to help you. We are your family after all…” she said trying to reassure me.

"What about (Y/N)’s mother and sister…?" I interrupted realizing my little girl had spent her first days with them.

"They agree. It is what (Y/N) would have wanted and they want to honor her memory and her wishes” J.J. assured me. “With Emily we’ll visit you now. We have the milk bottles you should use in the afternoon and tonight. We’ll go shopping, we’ll clean the apartment, which is sure to be a disaster and so you’ll spend the first night with your daughter. See you later, Spence” she said before hanging up the phone.

I went back to the room where my little girl had started to fidget and was moving uncomfortably. I took her in my arms and sat in the rocking chair next to her crib. I began to sway to give her peace with the movement. She opened her eyes and looked at me. And yes, it was her eyes. There was no doubt about it. I could have sworn she stared at me like her mom the first time I dared speak to her. In a soft voice I began to speak.

“I think it’s time for daddy to tell you a new story, my little girl. The story of how you came to this world…”


End file.
